15 years.
The little graphic design business that I started all those years ago has grown, struggled, evolved and metamorphosed into a full-on digital development agency. Now at our 15th anniversary we are poised for the kind of growth I never had the audacity to dream about. We are working with some amazing clients. We are doing mission-focused work. We are thriving.
Being who I am, the net sum of my experiences, has allowed me to build a place like Tactile. A place where talented people are supported, all lives are celebrated, and mutual boundaries are respected. Where we pursue civic work that lifts us up as a society, and turn down work that deepens divisions. I get to lead a company that embodies the change I want to see in the world.
The journey to this point has not been easy. It has and continues to be long, sometimes bleak, often joyous, and always uphill. In order to get here, we’ve had to constantly redefine what was possible. We’ve had to address multiple intersectional challenges and change what we do while remaining who we are. We’ve had to negotiate limits and use our perspective to manage our evolution.
LIMITS
Back in our fifth year of business, my company was invited to present a website redesign proposal for a posh private community in Connecticut. Our vice president, Jim Kiley-Zufelt, and I took the MegaBus to NYC to pitch at the Manhattan office of one member of their board of directors. After a few minutes wait, we were ushered into a small conference room ringed with the rest of the community board. The difference in the board’s reaction to me and to Jim, who is white, was palpable. They barely made eye contact with me. All questions were directed to Jim. They treated me like I was there to carry Jim’s bags. Jim saw this happening and, in a move of brilliance, began to direct all their questions back to me with almost comedic over-emphasis. We did not get the job.
Leading this company as my authentic self has come with an expectation of limits. We can’t possibly achieve X because of factor Y. Some of these limits have been placed on me by myself, most of them not (systemic oppressions and access to capital anyone?). When the bad stuff has happened, it has been very easy to chalk it up to limits.
The experience with the private community board was an exercise in these limits. It reeked of white supremacy and fed my imposter syndrome and at the time it was devastating. But over time, I have learned that the more credence given to limits, the more I diminish myself and the potential of the company. So instead of letting these limits define the company, I’ve learned to acknowledge them, move around them, or blast right through them. Racist potential client? Get thee behind me. And since you wasted my time, you’ll be getting a bill for my bus ride home.
PERSPECTIVE & EVOLUTION
These past 15 years has also afforded me perspective. In both the best of times and when things were downright scary, I’ve learned to take a moment to reflect and be present. There were times where I honestly thought we weren’t going to make it. I thought, why am I putting myself, my husband, and my birth and chosen families through this? What am I supposed to learn here?
Getting through those rough patches in the past has taught us how to better avoid them in the future. Those darkest times taught me not only how to better identify my own blind spots, but also the magic of putting aside my ego to ask for help. I’ve learned that when you try to do everything yourself, you can only scale so far. I’ve learned that it takes a village to raise a business to its fullest potential.
To survive and grow, we’ve also had to be introspective. We’ve had to be honest about what was working, want wasn’t, and what to do next. Since cash flow is the life blood of any business, every decision was filtered through a financial lens. It is soooo easy to take big risks and fail spectacularly with venture money. But when traditional funding is out of reach, and you’re dependent on funding from friends and family, you have to be a lot more careful.
So, we’ve evolved. Where as a solopreneur I did everything, we now have the most incredible team of really smart people putting out large scale, technically complex, award-winning work. I’m still putting in too many hours, but now I get to concentrate on vision and strategy; on steering the ship instead of paddling. I’m responsible for the overall health and wellness of the vessel and for the occasional grip and grin with existing and potential clients. I’m kinda like your friendly neighborhood Captain CEO (cue Love Boat theme).
I’ve learned that the world around us is evolving as well. Change is perpetual, and technology accelerates that change at a dizzying pace. What worked as a business model last year, or in some cases last month, will have to be adjusted, tweaked, or maybe abandoned entirely. The only way to be able to make good decisions in this environment is to never stop learning.
Ultimately, I’ve learned that we are not just a tech company, we are a tech-powered professional services company. We are our people, inter-connected and working with our clients toward a common goal in an environment based on empathy and respect.
So here’s to you Tactile. Congratulations on finally hitting your stride.